{0017}

I'M SORRY THAT I LOVE YOU. I'LL NEVER BOTHER YOU AGAIN SEEING AS HOW THAT IS WHAT YOU ACT LIKE YOU WANT. I'M SORRY WE NEVER WORKED OUT OR EVEN TRIED TO WORK THINGS OUT.

YOU'LL ALWAYS BE MY FIRST LOVE AND YOU'LL ALWAYS HAVE MY HEART NO MATTER WHAT.

ENJOY YOUR LIFE AND MAYBE JUST MAYBE ONE DAY I WON'T BE IMPORTANT ANYMORE. OR HOPEFULLY YOU'LL JUST FORGET ALL ABOUT ME LIKE I WANT YOU TO.

I LOVE YOU MATTHEW MICHAEL THOMPSON I REALLY TRULY DO I JUST WISH YOU WOULD TAKE MY FEELINGS INTO CONSIDERATION ONCE IN A WHILE.

JUST REMEMBER YOU FOUND ME ON MYSPACE AND YOU CONTACTED ME. NOT THE OTHER WAY. PLEASE BEFORE YOU LEAVE JUST TALK TO ME.

I DON'T WANT WHAT WE HAVE TO DISSIPATE. I LOVE YOU.

{0016}

Trenton or Matt?

Matt or Trenton?

I like them both and want to be with them both but until I know how each of them feel towards me and about me I can't be comfortable around Trenton without wanting to rip my own heart out and it hurts so much when Matt and I don't talk or spend time together.

My heart can't settle and every time I am near them I get flustered and I just want to rape them both, lol. I know I love Matt and want to be with him...I know I really, really, really, like LIKE Trenton and I would like to see where things could go with him. The only downside to Trenton is he doesn't want a relationship but yet he sometimes drops hints or will say things that make it sound like he does want one.

For example we were talking about about how guys normally only see me as a friend or as a fuckable friend. Then he said that not all guys are like that.

And I said that those who aren't are either taken, gay, or focused on other things like college or whatnot which I cna understand with going back to college myself and Trenton comes back with "Am I taken or gay?"

And then I told him no at least I didn't think he was and then he made a joke saying that he was both and with some guy named Palo and I just laughed.

When he said that I started to wonder if he was offering or what but I never got the chance to ask him if that is what he meant.

BUT!

Matt and I had this conversation on July 18th 2009:

I had mentioned to him that I wish he were here with me and he asked me why and I told him so that I could spend time with someone other than my family and so I wouldn't have to get myself off.

He then told me "Too bad I'm not a part of it"
I sent back "A part of what? You can easily be included in both."
He said "both"
I said something along the lines of "Yeah too bad you aren't a part of my family"
Him: "Lol Who Knows"
Me: "lol yeah"
Him: "Wonder what it be like"
Me: "Yeah me too"
Him: "Well how do you think it would be"
Me: "Well nothing is ever perfect but I think it would be like when we dated. We had a really good relationship and it was nice that I could be me and you didn't care no matter how weird or odd it was. I don't know if we were perfect for each other but we definitely complimented each other well"
Him: "True"
Me: "So how do you think it would be?"
Him: "I would take care of you"
Me: "Awww why you gotta go and make me cry like that?"
Him: "Sorry. First we gotta see what happens no promises yet."


So with that in mind I still can't help but wonder with Matt not too mention everything we've been through and all the conversations we've had.

I just wish my heart wasn't so torn and that it didn't hurt anymore. I'm tired of crying, tired of being depressed, and tired of not being able to speak my mind like everyone else I know.

I better go. Apparently tomorrow is X-mas so yeah I'm hoping to stay up all night and sleep til noon or later so I don't have to deal with those little fuckers.

{0015}

Ok so on Monday night Matt and I met up. We drove around for a little bit trying to find a quiet, private place where no cops would come. We talked while he drove mainly just trying to catch up on the last 4 years. Then we came to a stop sign and he sat there and then he pulled my head towards his and kissed me so passionately. So after a little bit of talking we decided to go back to my house.

We went up to my room and it didn't take long at all before we were naked, making out, and having sex. BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE. So after that we got back into his car so he could take me back to mine and after we got there we sat and talked for a little bit along with making out. I didn't want to leave...I hated leaving even back when we dated. I just never wanted to leave his side. I feel so much better around him and being with him.

Though he did end up telling me that he couldn't believe that he broke up with me to go out with the person he went out with way back when. I couldn't help but smile at that because to me it says that he still liked me and probably didn't want to but being a typical horny teenager and I hadn't gave it up to him, he probably decided to try with someone who was a slut. Long story short I broke them up.

Any who on Monday night he said that after he takes he brother back to Dellroy that he wasn't doing anything the rest of the day so I may actually get him to meet my mom(again) and meet my step-dad for the first time. I just want to spend a little bit more time with him again before he heads back to Kentucky and then eventually deployed. I want to know if he thinks that if there could ever be anything between us again. I sure hope so because the way I see it is we are very passionate towards each other, we have never fought or anything like that when we dated or even now, we get along really well, and I'm comfortable with him.

I can be myself with him and he doesn't care that I'm different or weird. He seems to see it as a turn on...which is perfect for me. Not too mention with me he has met his match when it comes to sex because I want it just as much as he does if not more.

Please let Matt come over today. I wanna be with him again. I hope we can get back together again. I would love it if we could eventually start our own family if it ever got that serious. I think that he and I should sit down and talk about it and get each other's feelings on it.

I better go now. I should go and do something productive like finish some projects I started awhile ago.

{0014}

I really need to stop forgetting about this place.

Matt and I didn't talk for almost 3 weeks and then just as I was drifting off to sleep at 6:30 this morning Matt texted me telling me how sorry he was but he had to pay off Verizon before his phone could get turned back on. I'm just glad that we are communicating again AND he'll be in THIS SUNDAY! We are so hanging out and having sex sometime while he is here and I'll definitely be making him watch Love is Evol and Stephen Lynch Live at the El Rey. I so can't wait to see him! 4 years is far too long to not see someone...especially him.

I need to get my letter typed and mailed out tomorrow and make sure that I add into the letter that Dr. Morris and McKenzie's letters will be mailed out separately due to the fact that I don't see them constantly, especially Dr. Morris, and that they'll need more time to write their letters as they do have other patients to see and would need the extra time to compose them.

Good things are happening this weekend/next week and I so can't wait to be Matt's slave and be fucked by him.