{0040}

Times are so frustrating right now. I didn't get my tattoo yesterday (5/28/13) because it went way over the $100 credit I have. So now I have until June 19th to collect $128 in order to get my tattoo. Here's to hoping that someone wants to buy my ripple blanket I'm working on. I really need to get Chrystle's blanket done so that I can get the money from her. I really should have asked for half the money up front because this is taking too long to finish.

Jarryd has been getting worse with his tantrums. I am getting worried and I really need to get him evaluated but his pedi won't refer him until she sees him again at his appointment on July 8th. I'm really scared right now. I know this is not normal but no one seems to be taking me seriously except my cousin because she is going through the same things as I am going through.

Anyways, I'm hoping Jarryd doesn't nap too long today. I want to head to Robert's on the boulevard and apply there. I really hope I can get that job. I will take part-time and love it to death. I am off to get a shower and make myself presentable to fill out an application. Please let me get this job. I really, really, really need this job. I am in a sinking ship and getting this job would be like getting rescued by the coast guard.

**Later the same day around 6:10-ish**

Well, I let Jarryd nap the afternoon away. There is no way in fraking hell I was going to wake him up just to go job hunting. I think there are at least 3 different places on the boulevard hiring and I plan on checking all 3 out tomorrow. I would really love this job at Robert's. They sell scrubs and I think it would be awesome to work in a small shop like that. I just hope my job description doesn't include "Embroiderer" because I can't embroider to save my own life.

I have some dinner in the oven and I'm watching the Golden Girls on DVD. I'm still debating on whether or not I should start up my Netflix account or not. I got really into Drop Dead Diva but I'm almost afraid to get into any show because I fear Netflix will just rip it out of its collection, with no warning, like last time. I went to bed watching Hot in Cleveland and woke up to it no longer existing in the Netflix database, not even on DVD.

I am working on the ripple blanket still. I am not sure how I feel about the Spring Green. I hate how great a color looks online but when you see it in person it is the complete opposite of what you expect. There is no turning back now because I don't really have the money to buy another color and honestly I'm thinking about just keeping the 2 skeins I ordered from Jo-Ann Fabrics and just making a small ripple blanket out of it. I think I will just make it 12 points and cut it off before the extra points are added. That way it'll still be fairly big but not huge, a lap blanket if you will or a playmat for kids.

I'm going to work on it some more and see how far I can get before Jarryd wakes up. I just hope that he isn't crabby or in a bad mood. I really can't deal with another tantrum.

{0039}

I wish I knew where to begin. Dad left Wednesday night and left for North Carolina, with Deb, Thursday morning. He will be home on the 2nd but it just feels so far away. I've been having a hard time dealing with Jarryd all by myself and I just don't know what to do. Maybe we can head over to Becky's one day this week or even spend the night or two at her house.

I get my tattoo tomorrow. I really wish my artist would get back to me on a price. I have the $100 credit but I really need to know if my tattoo is going to go over that. I have some rolled change I can turn in, plus a check from my sister, and a little bit of money in the bank but it's not a whole lot of money. I'll have, at most, $90 if that. I wish I could get last weeks check and this one's rolled into one but she won't have the money again until Friday and my tattoo is tomorrow. I suppose I could ask for half of the money of the walkie-talkies I sold them. I think $30 is a fair price so asking for $15 of it shouldn't be too bad, should it?

I don't know. Jarryd is currently passed out on the couch and Justin is on the floor passed out. I wish I could be sleeping but instead I'm typing up my journal entry and working on another ripple blanket. I wish I had the motivation to get Chrystle's blanket done. I thought I could have it done within a month but I didn't realize that the blanket would need to be 75 inches long. I really need to find a tape measure and measure it out after I finish the round of gray I am working on. I just hope it doesn't take me too much longer to finish it up. It will be a nice $100, although I would usually charge much, much more than that but she has helped me out with Jarryd and so I gave her a discount.

Alrighty then, journal. I'm going to sign off of here and continue to work on my blanket. Here's to hoping that today doesn't drag and that my artist gets back to me before tomorrow about the tattoo and price.

{0038}

I don't know where to begin. My life is just awkward right now. I'm so lonely that I actually wish Justin would text me. How stupid of me, right? He texted me the other day but I never saved his number. I just never thought I'd stoop so low to myself to think that. Frack a fracking duck. Bleh.

{0037}

I texted Chris last night but I haven't heard back from him yet. He usually responds fairly quickly. It's possible that he was sleeping, or visiting his mom, or out with friends. I don't know. It kind of feels like maybe he found someone else and I'm no longer needed. Then again it could be my hormones. Damn period. I just really like Chris and he is the type of guy I could see myself settling down with; although he has plans to move to be closer to work and I don't know if I could keep up with all that driving.

I'm pretty depressed today. I really want to spend time with Chris. I'm not sure I can handle another failure on the love life department. If this doesn't work out then I'm definitely giving up on ever being happy. I feel so stupid for feeling this way. I'm sure it's nothing but my heart just won't stop hurting and feeling heavy. Maybe one day it'll fly free with happiness.

{0036}

So last Saturday I had a date with Chris. It was really fun. I went to his place, we had pizza, watched a movie on Netflix, and then just watched some tv. He came over again last night and we hung out a bit. We had our first kiss, too. I am so happy with him. We are going to try and make plans for this Saturday.

Also? On Tuesday, I scored myself a free $100 tattoo from a local tattoo shop. I am so excited! I get tattooed on the 28th at 4pm. I am hoping that Chris with be able to come with me. I would love to have him there with me while I get tattooed.

I have my tattoo all picked out and I can't wait to see what my artist thinks about it. I'm hoping she can make it work for $100 but if not then I will have to find some way to come up with the rest of the money for the tattoo. I'm trying to sell the rest of my home made laundry detergent and crochet baskets but apparently no one wants them. It really sucks especially since I need the money. I am going to apply at Aldi's and Grandips tomorrow afternoon. I already filled out an online application for Bread Head Bakery but I doubt I will even get hired. Not enough experience. I am going to be filling out some (more) online applications and hoping (and praying) that I get hired in SOMEWHERE before the end of the month.

I did buy myself a journal last weekend. I have been using it to keep track of Jarryd's fits and my personal life. Mostly it has been for personal use. I am trying to keep myself in check when he has his fits.

I talked to his doctor about his behaviour and his fits. She passed it off as normal 2 year old behaviour. Well, this momma knows better and I am not waiting until July 8th for his behaviour to get worse to "re-evaluate" the problem. I don't take him out to the park or even up to the school to play because I'm embarrassed of his tantrums and because I don't want him to hurt anyone else. I can't afford for him to scratch, bite, kick, or punch another kid. I will be calling the necessary people to see if I can go over his doctor's head and get him in to be evaluated. This is only going to get worse and that is something I can't let happen or else I will go insane from all of his tantrums.

I am signing off because he is throwing one now because I won't let him have my dinner spoon. -_- The joys of being a mom I suppose.

{0035}

I miss my mom so much. I can't believe it's been over a week since they have come in and this Sunday marks a week that they've been gone. Time always seems to go so slowly after they leave. It almost feels like a time shift has happened and the world is trying to make it right and by the time the shift has been fixed; it's Christmas time and they are back again. I am trying to keep my head up and stay positive. After all, Thanksgiving is only 6 months and a few days away. Not that I'm keeping track or anything.

Times like this I wish I had an actual journal that I could write stuff down in. I love my online blog but I don't show it near enough attention so tomorrow I am heading off to the store and buying a decent journal.

I need to talk to my brother-in-law tomorrow to see if he has a buyer for my kindle and if not I'll just bring it back home with me and keep it. Or sell it to my dad. I know it may come in handy for him while on vacation at the end of this month.

Let's see, what else? Oh, yes. My son managed to get his hands on our potato peeler and managed to slice into his nail and skin. I accidentally tore off his nail while I was trying to keep pressure on his finger and he kept jerking his hand all over the place and it tore off. It took it at least an hour for the bleeding to slow down and another hour for the bleeding to stop completely. I had to let the blood cake around his finger in order to get it stop because every time I wiped the blood away it would start bleeding again. Hopefully, tomorrow during bath time it doesn't start bleeding again.

I do feel so guilty for not paying closer attention to what he was doing. I thought he was getting into the computer desk, where he keeps some of his toys, and I thought nothing of it. The strange part is that he didn't start crying or freaking out until I made a fuss over it and tried stopping the bleeding. Even after everything was said and done, he still went a mile a minute and didn't slow down until about 11:30 when he finally passed out. I love my child but I love it even more when he sleeps so that I can have some time for myself and go to the bathroom without being screamed at from the gate at the bottom of the steps.

Anyways, I don't have much else to say so I'm going to sign off for the night. I hope tomorrow (well today now) is MUCH better than Friday.

{0034}

I got a huge surprise Wednesday night. I got a text from my mom telling me that she, and my step-dad, were in town for her birthday (which was yesterday) and they were going to be here until the 5th. This was awesome news because I haven't seen my mom since Christmas but it was also bad news because now they aren't coming up for Memorial Day weekend OR Christmas. They'll be here for Thanksgiving but some ignorant bitch at my step-dad's work intentionally put in for time off at Christmas, so that they couldn't come up here. So, they worked things out and they will be here the week of Thanksgiving instead. I have NO idea what I'm going to do when they're not here for Christmas. They have ALWAYS been home for Christmas.

Anyways, not much going on, on the home front. I lost my job and have been looking for work ever since but no dice. It's extremely hard finding work when you have very little job experience. I feel like I'm never going to find another job; so I've decided to go back to school. I will find one program and stick with it. The problem is, the program I want requires an interview with a board to even be considered for the program. It almost seems not worth it to spend the $30 application fee, the money to get my background check and fingerprints done, only to be interviewed and NOT get into the program. That is a monetary risk I can't take right now. Hell, I have to sell my kindle in order to cover late fees on my bank because of FYE. So, after I get my fees paid off, I plan on closing down the account so that I won't have to keep dealing with the late fees. I don't get a commission every month, since I'm not selling every month, so there is no point in keeping the account open.

My "love life" is completely empty. The only love I have in my life right now is my son. He also happens to be my best friend. Sad, I know, but no one seems to want to be friends with a single mom. Oh well. Maybe one day I'll have friends my own age and a significant other but until then it's Squishy and me until the end.

*sigh* Every day it is something new. Tomorrow is the Benefit Auction for Diabetes Research and all I can do is hope we have a great turn out and that I can make some nice pocket change from my items. If not, well then I guess I'm stuck with a bunch of crap I still can't sell. Go me.

Well, that is my life as of right now. Broke, depressed, no hope for a future, and completely pathetic. Here's to hoping my luck changes.