{0052}

It is November 12th, 2013. Here in Ohio, it is snowing so fucking bad that I can't see! I am glad I have decided to not go anywhere today!

I am not ready for this type of weather! I still need a few more months of sunshine, 80 degrees, and warmth!!

I am not an Ohio girl, even though I was born and raised here. I belong some place that is warm all year round and there is NO snow!

Well that is my bitch for the day.

{0051}

So, I had my job interview. I think it went ok. I still haven't heard anything back from the manager yet so I'm not holding my breath. I am sure she interviewed people much more qualified than me and will be hiring them. That's ok though. I was told of a new place to look for a job and come Monday, I will be going there. Though, I may go tomorrow just to see if I can find the place. I would hope to get second shift since that would be better for all around and then stay over 4 hours. I was told that on Sundays, if you volunteer to work, you get paid $19.50 an hour! I will work myself to death in order to reap the rewards of working on a Sunday! Plus, I think, afternoon shift starts at $9.75 an hour so that is nothing to complain about either. I just really hope I can get in there because that would make things so much better for me and Jarryd. Also, our food stamps would go down and I wouldn't feel so guilty about being on them and getting so much a month.

In other news, my tattoo is getting added to, slowly :) So far only the top half is colored in but I go back in 13 days to get it finished. I can't wait until it is done and then I go in on September 5th to get my wrists and neck touched up. I have also decided to get a back piece done. I am still figuring out the details but I know for sure that I want the Once-ler, Pipsqueak, The Lorax, the singing fish, the truffula trees, a couple of barbalots, and the little duck in it. I am going to have the Once-ler either holding Pipsqueak or handing him a marshmallow and I want the quote, "Unless, someone like you cares a whole awful lot, Nothing is going to get better. It's not." The background scene I want to do is the one where the Once-ler opens the door, before he starts the "How Bad Can I Be?" song, and it shows the walking path, blue skies, the trees, a rainbow, the river, etc. I just haven't been able to find that particular screen shot yet.

Anywhosers, I am going to end this for now and go get something to eat. Tomorrow, Jarryd and I need to go for a walk to make up for not walking today and yesterday. I just hope it doesn't rain tomorrow.

{0050}

Well since my last post, I have had a job interview. It is a part time sales associate job. I will have to call the manager on Monday to see what is going on and if I have the job. I also turned my application in at a shop in the mall so I'm keeping my fingers crossed for that one. I also put in an online application to work at a call center from home. I just hate the idea of cold calling people. I just can't bring myself to do it.

Anyways, my next tattoo appointment is the 8th so I'm really looking forward to that, although if I get the job then I will most likely have to reschedule. I just really hope I get the job because I really truly need one.

I got my hair cut and I love it! Jarryd was so good while we were there. I was so proud of him! I still am but he was just so wonderful! I bought some Tea Tree Oil shampoo and conditioner. Another reason why I need to get a job is so that I can buy those products, as needed, with my own money.

I have kind of met someone. We are still talking and in the "getting to know each other" phase but we have met and he seems nice enough. He makes me laugh which is important to me. He makes me feel beautiful even though I feel ugly and frumpy. -sigh- I hope I don't screw it up like I normally do.

I'm going to pop off here. I am exhausted and very suspicious of the huge ass white van parked behind my car. Ain't no rest for the wicked. 

{0049}

I just don't know what to do anymore. I am just so lost. I can't get a job to save my life and I need one horribly badly. I am just so stressed out to the point that my period was just about 5 days late, I'm losing my appetite, and I'm just losing my mind. I am just so depressed about not having a job. It makes me so crazy. I just want nothing more than to rejoin the work force, pay my dues, take care of my son, pay bills, and just live life without worry. I'm just so scared right now. I just want it all to end but it can't because I have to be strong for my son. I need a job so that I can take care of him. He deserves the absolute best from me.

{0048}

So I got my line work done on the 17th. It took just a little over 2 hours to do because of all the detail. I will see Amy again next week and we will schedule my next appointment to do color and shading. I am so proud of this tattoo. I can't wait until the color session. This tattoo is going to be so badass.

My cousin, Becky, went with me and while she was there she also got a tattoo. We both agree that Ink Therapy is SO much better than retail therapy.

Tomorrow, I have a birthday party to go to and I can't wait. It will get Jarryd and myself out of the house for a little bit and get interaction with other people. I am hoping to get the girls something once I get my refund money but that won't be until sometime in August. I am really hoping that my refund is big enough to pay off KSU, get that laptop, an iPod Touch, Jarryd a Leap Pad 2, diapers, and pay some bills.

Our AC crapped out tonight. Dad told me to flip the breaker but it didn't work. I'm pretty sure I flipped the right one but I don't know. I really don't want to go back down to the basement tonight. The window fan should be enough to keep us cool tonight. I have to remember to keep waking Jarryd up early this week.

Anyways, I think I am going to head off of here and go do my "admin duties" for the 2 groups on Facebook that I admin.

{0047}

I think I may have accidentally pissed someone off. They thought they needed MY permission to hang out with THEIR friends. You certainly do NOT need my permission to do anything. You're an adult. You can make your own choices. You do not need anyone's permission to hang out with your own friend. I haven't heard from this person since I sent them back, "Why are you asking me?" I already have enough on my plate with starting school, caring for Jarryd, looking for a job, keeping up with appointments, etc. I do not need someone thinking that they need my permission to live their life. I do not need, or want, that extra responsibility on my plate.

With all that being said, it has been so nice to not having my phone going off all the time. No offense or disrespect to this person but it's nice to be able to get stuff done without any interruption.

Anyways, I better hop off here and find something for lunch since I didn't eat breakfast.

{0046}

Today is Jarryd's birthday. We had a get together/cook-out consisting of dad, Deb, Mandy, Branden, Trenton, and the kids. It was so much fun! Dad and Deb got him a water table, swim trunks, and a toddler sized beach towel. My dad is also building him a sandbox so that will be coming later.

Jarryd had so much playing with his chalk, his water table, in the rain, and with the boys. I'm so glad his day was great. I know he probably won't remember it but I'm glad I was still able to do something for him. I've been tearing up off and on all day because I never thought my life would be like this at this age. He truly makes my life so much better.

Anyways, I'm going to head off here and surf the web or something.

{0045}

So things are looking up right now. My tattoo is paid off and I go July 17th at 1pm to get it done. I have a phone appointment at 4pm, today, with an advisor to fill out my application to Phoenix University. Dishes are done. The floor is vacuumed. I need to shower, bathe Jarryd, run to the store, and get J a few things for his birthday.

My sister is nice enough to make the sloppy joes for me on Saturday. I plan on making some hot dogs to go with it, leaving some to grill, then I have some chicken breasts, J's cake and cookie. It's going to be very low key because I am on a budget. A very tight budget.

I better sign off on here and find the time to jump in the shower or at least make myself look presentable for when dad comes home. -sigh- I wish I were working.

{0044}

So, it has come to this. I am short $3 for my tattoo. Well more like a $1.20 but I would really rather not have to pay in pocket change. I've been searching the house for spare change and haven't been able to find much. I know my dad has some change in his room but I'm not going to take his change. That's his. Not mine. I'm sure if I asked him to borrow some he wouldn't mind but I don't feel right asking him for it. I don't have enough pennies to wrap so I can't use those. Well I could if I wanted but who likes counting through pennies? Not I. It is too late to head to the bank and withdrawal $3 so I guess I'm just going to be stuck and not be able to fully pay off my tattoo. :'-( I would just really love to pay it off now that way when I get my appointment scheduled I don't have to worry about scrounging up the money.

I really wish I could sell my books. I have a few around here but no one wants to buy them. Maybe it is time to put up another Craigslist ad for those books I got in my Medical Coding class. Hopefully, I can dig them out without waking the Squish-nator up from his nap. Maybe someone on my sister's sell site could use them. All I know, is that the sooner I get rid of them, the sooner I have the money, and the sooner I can pay off my tattoo.

Ahhhhhhhk! This feels like a gruesome and cruel joke! The universe hates me today. I just know it. :/

So I was actually able to scrounge up the last little bit I needed. My tattoo is officially paid off and now all I have to do is schedule an appointment! Maybe I can get in with her before the end of the month? I am really excited because I now have this HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders and I don't have to worry about the looming expense of paying off this tattoo. I can't wait to add this little beauty to my collection! I can't wait! I'm SO excited!!!!

Well I better pop off here and try to get the tiny one to bed. It's after 1am and he needs to be in bed. Like 5 hours ago.

{0043}

I am giving up on ALL men! I'm going to focus on getting a job and going to school. I am going to focus on providing for myself and for my son and making my life better so that we can live more comfortably. I will let no man come in between me and my goals. It's all about me and J right now. I WILL give us a better life. I WILL graduate from college and get my Associates degree. I WILL become a free lance web designer. I WILL get my Bachelors in web development. I WILL NOT let anyone come in between those goals.

I am starting fresh in every aspect of my life. No man will ever come into my life. I will stay single until the day I die if I have to. J deserves the BEST and I plan on giving that to him. I have no plans to spoil him but he will have ALL of his necessities. I will get us a better family vehicle. I will remodel the house so that it fits our needs. We need new carpet in the other room anyways. I may just rip that out and put down faux tile or hardwood flooring. J will have his own room, decorated any way he wants, and I will have my own room.

Sorry. I got off topic but my main point(s) still stand:

1) I will not let any man come into my life
2) I will get a job
3) I will start, and graduate, from school
4) I will become a freelance web designer
5) I will get my bachelors degree in web development
6) J and I will be able to live comfortably without dad having to pay the bigger bills.

We WILL make it on our own. We WILL get through this and no man will ever ruin that for us.

{0042}

So I decided to go back to school. This time I am going through the University of Phoenix and I'm getting my associates degree in technology with a concentration in web design. After I graduate, I plan on becoming a freelance web designer then going back to get my Bachelors degree in web development. I am beyond excited to get back to school. I can't wait to get started on my new career path! Being a web designer feels so right to me. I like to create things out of yarn so why not create websites? Hopefully, Phoenix calls me back so we can get the ball rolling. I would love to get a desk top so that I can use that for school but I'm too broke to get one. Maybe, I'll get lucky enough to get a decent refund and I can get myself a desk top suitable for school. OMG!!! I'M SO EXCITED!!!!

{0041}

Apparently, I can't say shit on my own Facebook without it being over analyzed, so I have to come and vent to my blog, which nobody reads.

I'm so tired of everyone being so goddamned critical over every move I make. Why can't a vent just be a vent? Why can't a person lash out their emotions? Why can't people just leave me alone and quit making me feel like a completely uneducated moron? I am so tired of having to carefully think about what I say before I post it. Everyone talks about wanting the truth and not being lied to and even when I show proof to back myself up, I still get lashed out at, and treated like some stupid kid that doesn't know what they are talking about. I'm tired of it. I may not be the most educated person I know but dammit, I DID graduate high school and even took some college courses. Granted, I couldn't keep up with being a mom and a student so I had to pick being a mom over being a student. At least for now. But I'm not the uneducated moron everyone treats me. At least when I post something, I KNOW what I am talking about!! It's so funny how other people think that my words make me this god-awful person. It's the INTERNET! Unless someone is using CAPS LOCK, or punctuation marks, you can't tell how or what they are feeling or what they are questioning. You cannot tell TONE OF VOICE just from the way someone types something up or the way it is posted. They are just words on a screen. The emotion(s) YOU feel when reading something are YOURS NOT. THE. WRITERS. So don't be an ASS and ASSume that what you are feeling when you are reading anything, is any indication of how the writer felt when they wrote it.

I am just so tired lately. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I HAVE to find a job soon. If I don't, I do not know what will happen. I've already heard back from Giant Eagle and Sears. I'm still not good enough to get a job with them. At this point I will never be good enough to get a job anywhere. I'm such a fucking failure. I wish dad could see how pained I am by this. It doesn't matter how many applications I fill out or how many times I call. I will never be good enough for any company. Just like how I will never be a good enough mom. Thanks everyone. You sure do know how to ruin a person by treating them like they are uneducated, stupid, not good enough, and just being overly critical and analytical over shit that doesn't need to be analyzed or criticized. I hope you are happy with yourself.

Maybe one day, I will be good enough but I doubt it.

{0040}

Times are so frustrating right now. I didn't get my tattoo yesterday (5/28/13) because it went way over the $100 credit I have. So now I have until June 19th to collect $128 in order to get my tattoo. Here's to hoping that someone wants to buy my ripple blanket I'm working on. I really need to get Chrystle's blanket done so that I can get the money from her. I really should have asked for half the money up front because this is taking too long to finish.

Jarryd has been getting worse with his tantrums. I am getting worried and I really need to get him evaluated but his pedi won't refer him until she sees him again at his appointment on July 8th. I'm really scared right now. I know this is not normal but no one seems to be taking me seriously except my cousin because she is going through the same things as I am going through.

Anyways, I'm hoping Jarryd doesn't nap too long today. I want to head to Robert's on the boulevard and apply there. I really hope I can get that job. I will take part-time and love it to death. I am off to get a shower and make myself presentable to fill out an application. Please let me get this job. I really, really, really need this job. I am in a sinking ship and getting this job would be like getting rescued by the coast guard.

**Later the same day around 6:10-ish**

Well, I let Jarryd nap the afternoon away. There is no way in fraking hell I was going to wake him up just to go job hunting. I think there are at least 3 different places on the boulevard hiring and I plan on checking all 3 out tomorrow. I would really love this job at Robert's. They sell scrubs and I think it would be awesome to work in a small shop like that. I just hope my job description doesn't include "Embroiderer" because I can't embroider to save my own life.

I have some dinner in the oven and I'm watching the Golden Girls on DVD. I'm still debating on whether or not I should start up my Netflix account or not. I got really into Drop Dead Diva but I'm almost afraid to get into any show because I fear Netflix will just rip it out of its collection, with no warning, like last time. I went to bed watching Hot in Cleveland and woke up to it no longer existing in the Netflix database, not even on DVD.

I am working on the ripple blanket still. I am not sure how I feel about the Spring Green. I hate how great a color looks online but when you see it in person it is the complete opposite of what you expect. There is no turning back now because I don't really have the money to buy another color and honestly I'm thinking about just keeping the 2 skeins I ordered from Jo-Ann Fabrics and just making a small ripple blanket out of it. I think I will just make it 12 points and cut it off before the extra points are added. That way it'll still be fairly big but not huge, a lap blanket if you will or a playmat for kids.

I'm going to work on it some more and see how far I can get before Jarryd wakes up. I just hope that he isn't crabby or in a bad mood. I really can't deal with another tantrum.

{0039}

I wish I knew where to begin. Dad left Wednesday night and left for North Carolina, with Deb, Thursday morning. He will be home on the 2nd but it just feels so far away. I've been having a hard time dealing with Jarryd all by myself and I just don't know what to do. Maybe we can head over to Becky's one day this week or even spend the night or two at her house.

I get my tattoo tomorrow. I really wish my artist would get back to me on a price. I have the $100 credit but I really need to know if my tattoo is going to go over that. I have some rolled change I can turn in, plus a check from my sister, and a little bit of money in the bank but it's not a whole lot of money. I'll have, at most, $90 if that. I wish I could get last weeks check and this one's rolled into one but she won't have the money again until Friday and my tattoo is tomorrow. I suppose I could ask for half of the money of the walkie-talkies I sold them. I think $30 is a fair price so asking for $15 of it shouldn't be too bad, should it?

I don't know. Jarryd is currently passed out on the couch and Justin is on the floor passed out. I wish I could be sleeping but instead I'm typing up my journal entry and working on another ripple blanket. I wish I had the motivation to get Chrystle's blanket done. I thought I could have it done within a month but I didn't realize that the blanket would need to be 75 inches long. I really need to find a tape measure and measure it out after I finish the round of gray I am working on. I just hope it doesn't take me too much longer to finish it up. It will be a nice $100, although I would usually charge much, much more than that but she has helped me out with Jarryd and so I gave her a discount.

Alrighty then, journal. I'm going to sign off of here and continue to work on my blanket. Here's to hoping that today doesn't drag and that my artist gets back to me before tomorrow about the tattoo and price.

{0038}

I don't know where to begin. My life is just awkward right now. I'm so lonely that I actually wish Justin would text me. How stupid of me, right? He texted me the other day but I never saved his number. I just never thought I'd stoop so low to myself to think that. Frack a fracking duck. Bleh.

{0037}

I texted Chris last night but I haven't heard back from him yet. He usually responds fairly quickly. It's possible that he was sleeping, or visiting his mom, or out with friends. I don't know. It kind of feels like maybe he found someone else and I'm no longer needed. Then again it could be my hormones. Damn period. I just really like Chris and he is the type of guy I could see myself settling down with; although he has plans to move to be closer to work and I don't know if I could keep up with all that driving.

I'm pretty depressed today. I really want to spend time with Chris. I'm not sure I can handle another failure on the love life department. If this doesn't work out then I'm definitely giving up on ever being happy. I feel so stupid for feeling this way. I'm sure it's nothing but my heart just won't stop hurting and feeling heavy. Maybe one day it'll fly free with happiness.

{0036}

So last Saturday I had a date with Chris. It was really fun. I went to his place, we had pizza, watched a movie on Netflix, and then just watched some tv. He came over again last night and we hung out a bit. We had our first kiss, too. I am so happy with him. We are going to try and make plans for this Saturday.

Also? On Tuesday, I scored myself a free $100 tattoo from a local tattoo shop. I am so excited! I get tattooed on the 28th at 4pm. I am hoping that Chris with be able to come with me. I would love to have him there with me while I get tattooed.

I have my tattoo all picked out and I can't wait to see what my artist thinks about it. I'm hoping she can make it work for $100 but if not then I will have to find some way to come up with the rest of the money for the tattoo. I'm trying to sell the rest of my home made laundry detergent and crochet baskets but apparently no one wants them. It really sucks especially since I need the money. I am going to apply at Aldi's and Grandips tomorrow afternoon. I already filled out an online application for Bread Head Bakery but I doubt I will even get hired. Not enough experience. I am going to be filling out some (more) online applications and hoping (and praying) that I get hired in SOMEWHERE before the end of the month.

I did buy myself a journal last weekend. I have been using it to keep track of Jarryd's fits and my personal life. Mostly it has been for personal use. I am trying to keep myself in check when he has his fits.

I talked to his doctor about his behaviour and his fits. She passed it off as normal 2 year old behaviour. Well, this momma knows better and I am not waiting until July 8th for his behaviour to get worse to "re-evaluate" the problem. I don't take him out to the park or even up to the school to play because I'm embarrassed of his tantrums and because I don't want him to hurt anyone else. I can't afford for him to scratch, bite, kick, or punch another kid. I will be calling the necessary people to see if I can go over his doctor's head and get him in to be evaluated. This is only going to get worse and that is something I can't let happen or else I will go insane from all of his tantrums.

I am signing off because he is throwing one now because I won't let him have my dinner spoon. -_- The joys of being a mom I suppose.

{0035}

I miss my mom so much. I can't believe it's been over a week since they have come in and this Sunday marks a week that they've been gone. Time always seems to go so slowly after they leave. It almost feels like a time shift has happened and the world is trying to make it right and by the time the shift has been fixed; it's Christmas time and they are back again. I am trying to keep my head up and stay positive. After all, Thanksgiving is only 6 months and a few days away. Not that I'm keeping track or anything.

Times like this I wish I had an actual journal that I could write stuff down in. I love my online blog but I don't show it near enough attention so tomorrow I am heading off to the store and buying a decent journal.

I need to talk to my brother-in-law tomorrow to see if he has a buyer for my kindle and if not I'll just bring it back home with me and keep it. Or sell it to my dad. I know it may come in handy for him while on vacation at the end of this month.

Let's see, what else? Oh, yes. My son managed to get his hands on our potato peeler and managed to slice into his nail and skin. I accidentally tore off his nail while I was trying to keep pressure on his finger and he kept jerking his hand all over the place and it tore off. It took it at least an hour for the bleeding to slow down and another hour for the bleeding to stop completely. I had to let the blood cake around his finger in order to get it stop because every time I wiped the blood away it would start bleeding again. Hopefully, tomorrow during bath time it doesn't start bleeding again.

I do feel so guilty for not paying closer attention to what he was doing. I thought he was getting into the computer desk, where he keeps some of his toys, and I thought nothing of it. The strange part is that he didn't start crying or freaking out until I made a fuss over it and tried stopping the bleeding. Even after everything was said and done, he still went a mile a minute and didn't slow down until about 11:30 when he finally passed out. I love my child but I love it even more when he sleeps so that I can have some time for myself and go to the bathroom without being screamed at from the gate at the bottom of the steps.

Anyways, I don't have much else to say so I'm going to sign off for the night. I hope tomorrow (well today now) is MUCH better than Friday.

{0034}

I got a huge surprise Wednesday night. I got a text from my mom telling me that she, and my step-dad, were in town for her birthday (which was yesterday) and they were going to be here until the 5th. This was awesome news because I haven't seen my mom since Christmas but it was also bad news because now they aren't coming up for Memorial Day weekend OR Christmas. They'll be here for Thanksgiving but some ignorant bitch at my step-dad's work intentionally put in for time off at Christmas, so that they couldn't come up here. So, they worked things out and they will be here the week of Thanksgiving instead. I have NO idea what I'm going to do when they're not here for Christmas. They have ALWAYS been home for Christmas.

Anyways, not much going on, on the home front. I lost my job and have been looking for work ever since but no dice. It's extremely hard finding work when you have very little job experience. I feel like I'm never going to find another job; so I've decided to go back to school. I will find one program and stick with it. The problem is, the program I want requires an interview with a board to even be considered for the program. It almost seems not worth it to spend the $30 application fee, the money to get my background check and fingerprints done, only to be interviewed and NOT get into the program. That is a monetary risk I can't take right now. Hell, I have to sell my kindle in order to cover late fees on my bank because of FYE. So, after I get my fees paid off, I plan on closing down the account so that I won't have to keep dealing with the late fees. I don't get a commission every month, since I'm not selling every month, so there is no point in keeping the account open.

My "love life" is completely empty. The only love I have in my life right now is my son. He also happens to be my best friend. Sad, I know, but no one seems to want to be friends with a single mom. Oh well. Maybe one day I'll have friends my own age and a significant other but until then it's Squishy and me until the end.

*sigh* Every day it is something new. Tomorrow is the Benefit Auction for Diabetes Research and all I can do is hope we have a great turn out and that I can make some nice pocket change from my items. If not, well then I guess I'm stuck with a bunch of crap I still can't sell. Go me.

Well, that is my life as of right now. Broke, depressed, no hope for a future, and completely pathetic. Here's to hoping my luck changes.

{0033}

So. A LOT has happened in the last few weeks. For starters, I got a job! I love what I do and make decent money for doing it. Secondly, I finally smartened up and kicked Justin to the curb! I found my other half and his name is Brian. He makes me SO happy! I make him happy, too!

I screwed up, though. Justin was over here on the 30th and we did have sex. I'm just going to have to take a test and hope to God I'm not pregnant by him. If I am, I'm crawling into a hole and never coming out, this way I can't hurt anyone else.

Just had to get this out. I can't let anyone else know until I test. Please just let me be getting my period early. I don't want to be pregnant by him. I eventually want to have kids with Brian and get married to him. I hate myself right now.

{0032}

Well the first post of the new year and it's going to be me spilling my guts about how horrible the year has been so far.

There is so much I need to pour into this post but I can't get it sorted out in my head so I'll just start with what happened this weekend.

Friday January 4th 2:45pm. My dad comes home from work really upset. His check is short 5.5 hours. He couldn't go see my brothers as planned because I needed to pay the house and car insurance so I got most of the check in my account. The rest of the night goes pretty well with the exception of Jarryd literally scratching himself bloody on his thigh.

Saturday January 5th. I go to the bank, I pay bills, and the day seems like it is going well enough. That night, however, I was taking Elsie outside and when I came back in Jarryd was letting my cell phone "swim" in my cup of water. I take it a part and dry it off as best as I could but I had no rice to put it in so my phone was a goner. I had asked my sister via Facebook to let my dad know what happened to my phone.

Sunday January 6th. I get myself and Jarryd ready and we head to Verizon. I get told to call or go online to file a claim with the insurance on the phone but I would have to pay a $45 deductible. So I thanked them and left. So we head to the store to get the necessities. I come home and filed the claim with the insurance and spent the $45 because I seriously can't go without my phone. It left $15 in my checking account. I was able to get Jarryd down for a nap and I tackled some household chores and watched Supernatural. My dad gets home later that night and shows me pictures of his girlfriend's vehicle. The back is smashed in and the back window is busted out. I asked him what happened and he told me they were in an accident Saturday afternoon. No-damn-body bothered to tell me. Not even my own sister! I mean I know I didn't have my phone available but tell me through Facebook or stop by my house and tell me!

Monday January 7th. Didn't get to bed until 4am but Jarryd was wide awake at 11:30am. I decided that I wanted Taco Casserole for dinner so we had to go the store. I stopped and put $7 in gas in my car so now I have a little over $8 in my account. I came home, did some dishes, started dinner, and tried juggling the demands of a dog, toddler, and keeping an eye on dinner. My dad gets home and his work paid him for the hours they had shorted him but he pretty much came home and left again because he wanted to take his girlfriend to go get her rental car. That took 5 hours. I wanted to get out and go meet up with an old friend but instead I was stuck here dealing with my inner demons and my physical one aka Jarryd. I also have to get rid of my dog because Jarryd is allergic to her.

 I have cried so much in the last 8 hours it is not even funny. I feel so unimportant to my family. I am literally at the end of my rope and no one, NO ONE, seems to care. I cannot spend another day with my child. I'm ready to just pick up and leave and not tell anyone where I am going. It's not like they would notice or care anyways.

Ok I think that is enough for one post. I was going to go into what happened over the holidays but I just don't have the energy to do it.