{0060}

So. Here I am. A mom to 2 little boys with a live in boyfriend. Oldest is in school during the day so that helps me out. The youngest is a fairly good baby. He doesn’t give me too much trouble. 

I’m just tired of being the only one capable of fixing a clogged sink, washing dishes, and folding laundry. I’m already suffering from depression, bi-polar disorder, undiagnosed postpartum anxiety and depression. Being made to feel like I am the only capable adult in this house is making me wish I were dead. Same goes for when I’m stuck on register at work. 

No one notices what I’m going through and I’m 100% sure they don’t care. I know my job doesn’t. Why would/should anyone else? I’m more than just a mom and maid but yet I’m beginning to feel as if that is all I will ever be...to anyone. 

{0059}

I am trying so hard to not give into my rage and my hormones. I am so angry with myself and with the other party involved but honestly, much more angry with myself than anything.

I let this happen. I didn't try hard enough before but you can bet that I am giving it my all and swinging with all my might. I will die before I let this happen again. I refuse to lose the battle and I sure as hell fucking refuse to lose the war.

I will not cower. I will not fear. I have the strength and the will of myself and that of my family and friend guiding me through this hard time. We will persevere. We will win the day. After all, good always wins.

So while I may feel like I am dying right now; I know that this pain will not last forever. I will make it through this and I will be whole once again. All I want is to be whole again and this will make it happen.

{0058}

I,

I know that we have had this conversation before and it is basically beating a dead horse. I love you and I am in love with you. I know you know this but god this is killing me. I am so angry, bitter, hateful, and feeling very spiteful. It took me a while to realize why I am feeling this way. You know that for the past 3 year now (roughly 2-2.5 when we started talking) that I have had a crush on you. It took me so long to get the courage to message you that day. I felt like I finally had a chance with you. Talking to you was more than I could ever dream about and it is so very easy to do. You literally sparked something in my soul.

Don’t get me wrong. I love J but my love for him isn’t the same as my love for you. I truly believe that you are my second half; my soul mate. I have tried so hard to be happy for you but I can’t; it kills me too much. More and more of me dies a little every day. I feel like I can’t even talk to you anymore. I feel like I have truly lost the one person that means the most to me in my life. You know that I would do anything and everything for you. I feel like I have proved that I am willing to do anything for you.

I have bought you things that pertain to your interests, bought you wine, flowers, and varying items. I’m not reminding you to make you feel bad but what “friend” buys their friend that kind of stuff? I was trying to impress you; hopefully showing you that I am worthy of your time and proving to you that I am willing to do whatever it takes to see you smile.

Love is not about the secretion of chemicals and hormones. Love is not logical or rational. That is why it doesn’t make sense to you that I love you and am in love with you.  Love is love. It isn’t about chemical secretions or hormones; it is about how you feel around a person. The few times I’ve actually been around you, have been the literal best times of my life. Every time you hugged me or came up to talk to me when we were working together it meant so much to me. You made me feel like I was important to you; more than just a friend.

But…on the other hand if I had known that it was going to end up like this; I would not have messaged you on that dating website. Again, don’t get me wrong, I am happy with J and the fact that I am pregnant but it isn’t the same and it isn’t what I wanted. You are what I want. You are what I deserve. I would literally give up everything I own to be with you. I could have absolutely nothing to my name but if I had you; I would have every single thing I need. I would be happy.

It killed me to know that everything I tried to do (cook you dinner, wine and dine you, hang out with you, do everything/anything I could to make you happy) meant nothing. They were failed attempts, or so it seems, since you never took me up on those offers. Even the stuff that you promised me (“owing” me hang out time, wanting to cook homemade chicken alfredo) just different things that made me feel like I actually had a chance with you.

But apparently, none of that matters, only because I am not on your intellectual wavelength. Pretty much making me feel like I am the performing monkey and you the ring master. Problem being, I fell in love and you just didn’t care about my feelings because, according to you, I couldn’t possibly have them. All I ever wanted was a chance; a chance to prove to you that I am absolutely worthy of making you happy. 

I am willing to cook for you, take you wherever you want to go, be your shoulder to cry on, be the one you call when you need someone to talk to, give you massages, bring you lunch, take care of you when you’re sick, everything. Everything that a girlfriend is supposed to do for her boyfriend, no questions asked. You deserve so much better. Too bad you will never get the chance to figure it out since I’m not on your intellectual wave length.

Even after all this, I still want you as the godfather to this baby but talking to you kills me on so many different levels and that’s why I don’t talk to you as much as I used to. I still consider you to be my best friend but I hate knowing that you aren’t with me and that you wouldn’t throw caution to the wind to give me a chance. I could have blown your mind with everything I am willing to do for you. Even after all this, I am still willing to give up everything I own to have you. Possessions mean nothing when the person you love wants nothing to do with you.

Maybe one day I will get the courage to send this to you. Maybe one day you finally realize how honest and sincere I am about wanting to be with you and it isn’t some crazy, psycho, bullshit. I would literally die for you, I’d take a bullet for you, I would use my last breath to tell you that I love you. A part of me dies every single day. I truly wish I could let you see into my heart/mind/soul so that you could see firsthand what this is doing to me. This is more than just pregnancy hormones. I keep so much to myself. I have no one to talk to about this. I know that everything in this document is true and I am speaking from the core of who I am. 

I am someone who is truly, madly, deeply in love with the one guy she considers to be her best friend. I am giving you the rawest parts of me with this; no one has ever stirred this in me. I truly did not think it were possible…..until you. You awakened something in me and it has grabbed me; it won’t let go either. This is the emptiest I have ever felt in my entire life. You mean everything to me. I love you, I, always have; always will.

I love you, I. Maybe one day you will see that but for now I will keep to myself and act as if this isn’t killing me on a daily basis.

{0057}

So I broke up with my ex and then found someone else. At first we didn't want anything more than to be friends. We both agreed that we wouldn't force anything and just let it flow naturally. He came Friday the 29th and he spent the night. He left early Saturday afternoon and then came back late Sunday afternoon and stayed here until late Friday afternoon. He went back home and it sucked so much. Things progressed further than either of us had originally thought and things were so wonderful. Then he went home and things were still pretty wonderful...

Until today. Things went well up until a few hours ago when he told me that he needed to drift away for a few days. He says we aren't breaking up but it really feels like we are. I should have known better than to get my hopes up. I'm just a stupid fucking idiot that just needs to be taken out of civilization and far away from people.

I just want to rip my flesh off right now. Slicing it off would be so much better. I wish I knew how to put I feel into words. I wish I could tell him how I am feeling but it would not matter. I'm just a lost fucking cause. Someone needs to put me out of my goddamned mind and just fucking shoot me in the fucking head.

{0056}

Feeling down and out right now. I'm no longer working at Wal-Mart and am trying to find another job. I found something that looks promising and I am keeping my fingers crossed in hopes I get it.

Things are going great with my boyfriend. We have been together for 7 months. It is hard to believe that we have been together for so long.

I have gone back to pink hair. I love it and I hope it doesn't keep me from getting the job I am looking at. Then again, at this point in my life I really don't give a flying fuck. I'm just so tired of having to conform to the social norms. I'm tired of these tiny, little conservative towns. I have pink hair. It doesn't make me a miscreant, troublemaker, thief, or anything else. I am just as good at what I do as the next person. I am friendly, personable, and bubbly. I am coming out of my shell and I owe it all to my boyfriend. I love him and he has been helping me become the person that I am.

I have been pouring my heart and soul into a couple of crochet projects but I fear they won't be done in time for me to sell them. Bleh. I am just hoping to sell some stuff I have to get some extra cash to pay the bills.

Alright, I am done with this update. I hope everyone has a wonderful day and a great rest of the month.

{0055}

It has been a long while since I have posted anything here. Between my last post and now I have had quite a few new things happen.

The most important one is that I have finally found someone that I want to be with for a long time. He makes me so happy and it scares me a little bit because I haven't felt this safe and secure with anyone, ever. I never thought I would find someone that could make me feel safe and secure but I have and I trust him completely. It is not a blind trust either. He hasn't lied to me about anything and has never given me a reason to doubt him or anything he has said. October 31st will make 5 months together for us.

Another thing that has happened is, that I have long quit the pizza shop I was working at during my last post. After that, I worked at Giant Eagle in Bolivar for a short time before I got fed up with all the chaos and disorganization and quit. After that, I had gotten a job at the Dollar store and I was only there for a little over a month before their chaos and "I'm better than you" attitudes got to me and I quit there as well. I am now a temporary cashier at Wal-Mart. I really like working there and the people I work with. I am truly hoping that I can keep this job for the full 180 days and that they can keep me on after my temporary position is up. One can only hope.

However, as much as I love my job and I need to be working, I feel horrible that I don't get to see and spend as much time with my son. I've been working so much and he has been staying at my aunt's house. He hasn't been home, in I don't know how long and I miss him so much. I do have Saturday off so I plan on spending time with him before he has to go back over to my aunt's so that I can be at work by 7am on Sunday. I do plan on picking him up Sunday afternoon, after work, and bringing him home because I have Monday off and he hasn't seen my dad in such a long time. I feel absolutely horrible for being away from him like that. Plus, I have people on me and right now it is pretty much damned if I do and damned if I don't. If I do work, I don't get to see him as often but I do get to spend time with him but he isn't attached to me 24/7 but the bills are paid and there is food on the table. If I don't work, I get to spend more time with him but the bills go unpaid and there isn't as much food on the table. So I have people on both sides making me feel like shit all because I can't work and have him by my side 24/7. I would love to have a work from home job that pays more than minimum wage but that isn't possible.

Plus I am also trying to find a new to me vehicle so that when winter comes I won't be driving a piece of crap and I'll actually be able to drive to work. I just feel as if I can't win no matter what I do.

Well, I am going to get a shower and head over to see my boy. I can't wait until I am able to spend time with him again. I love and miss him so much.

{0054}

Haven't update this in about 3 months.

I've been working for the last two months. I love my job just not some of the people I work with but hey it happens.

Just trying to figure out life and all that jazz. I am hoping things start smoothing over soon or else I may have a mental breakdown.

Anyways that is the update. Enjoy.

{0053}

Here in Ohio it is fucking freezing. Last night alone it was -8 degrees with a -55 wind chill. Today it is roughly -2 degrees with a -22 wind chill.

Last night I made the decision to bump up our thermostat up to 80, it is normally on 75 during the winter. I made a post about it on Facebook and I get chewed out about how I need to be conserving energy. I'm sorry. I have a 2.5 year old son that I need to think about. I don't care if I freeze to death but I do care if my son freezes. It doesn't help that our windows and doors are just so freaking drafty. So not only is it fucking freezing outside, I can feel that coldness seeping into our house.

Even on 80 degrees it is still fucking freezing in this house. So I'm sorry if I don't turn down my thermostat to a balmy 60 degrees while it is colder than fuck outside. My bills aren't of anyone else's concern. You aren't paying them and, until you do start paying for them, you do not get a say in what I do to keep my child and my house warm. Yes, I am still looking for a job and my family has fallen on hard times but still, I will always find a way to keep the bills paid to keep a roof over my son's head and him warm and toasty in the winter time. I don't care if I have to sell every single one of my belongings, I would do so in a heartbeat, especially for my son. I would give up every personal item I own if it meant the safety and comfort of my son.

The good news is that I have a job interview so HOPEFULLY I can nail it and get the job. That would be AWESOME.

Oh and I HIGHLY doubt they would start rolling blackouts on the coldest fucking day of the year in 40 years. If it is too cold for kids to go to school then it is too cold to shut millions of people's power off, especially if they have children. Not everyone can handle being bundled up in a ton of clothing. My son hates wearing clothes and will yank them off ASAP. Why should he get punished? Why should he freeze? I think it is pretty selfish to say that you want people, that aren't conserving energy, to lose their power first. Way to make people feel like crap for trying to keep themselves and their children warm.

{0052}

It is November 12th, 2013. Here in Ohio, it is snowing so fucking bad that I can't see! I am glad I have decided to not go anywhere today!

I am not ready for this type of weather! I still need a few more months of sunshine, 80 degrees, and warmth!!

I am not an Ohio girl, even though I was born and raised here. I belong some place that is warm all year round and there is NO snow!

Well that is my bitch for the day.

{0051}

So, I had my job interview. I think it went ok. I still haven't heard anything back from the manager yet so I'm not holding my breath. I am sure she interviewed people much more qualified than me and will be hiring them. That's ok though. I was told of a new place to look for a job and come Monday, I will be going there. Though, I may go tomorrow just to see if I can find the place. I would hope to get second shift since that would be better for all around and then stay over 4 hours. I was told that on Sundays, if you volunteer to work, you get paid $19.50 an hour! I will work myself to death in order to reap the rewards of working on a Sunday! Plus, I think, afternoon shift starts at $9.75 an hour so that is nothing to complain about either. I just really hope I can get in there because that would make things so much better for me and Jarryd. Also, our food stamps would go down and I wouldn't feel so guilty about being on them and getting so much a month.

In other news, my tattoo is getting added to, slowly :) So far only the top half is colored in but I go back in 13 days to get it finished. I can't wait until it is done and then I go in on September 5th to get my wrists and neck touched up. I have also decided to get a back piece done. I am still figuring out the details but I know for sure that I want the Once-ler, Pipsqueak, The Lorax, the singing fish, the truffula trees, a couple of barbalots, and the little duck in it. I am going to have the Once-ler either holding Pipsqueak or handing him a marshmallow and I want the quote, "Unless, someone like you cares a whole awful lot, Nothing is going to get better. It's not." The background scene I want to do is the one where the Once-ler opens the door, before he starts the "How Bad Can I Be?" song, and it shows the walking path, blue skies, the trees, a rainbow, the river, etc. I just haven't been able to find that particular screen shot yet.

Anywhosers, I am going to end this for now and go get something to eat. Tomorrow, Jarryd and I need to go for a walk to make up for not walking today and yesterday. I just hope it doesn't rain tomorrow.