{0046}

Today is Jarryd's birthday. We had a get together/cook-out consisting of dad, Deb, Mandy, Branden, Trenton, and the kids. It was so much fun! Dad and Deb got him a water table, swim trunks, and a toddler sized beach towel. My dad is also building him a sandbox so that will be coming later.

Jarryd had so much playing with his chalk, his water table, in the rain, and with the boys. I'm so glad his day was great. I know he probably won't remember it but I'm glad I was still able to do something for him. I've been tearing up off and on all day because I never thought my life would be like this at this age. He truly makes my life so much better.

Anyways, I'm going to head off here and surf the web or something.

{0045}

So things are looking up right now. My tattoo is paid off and I go July 17th at 1pm to get it done. I have a phone appointment at 4pm, today, with an advisor to fill out my application to Phoenix University. Dishes are done. The floor is vacuumed. I need to shower, bathe Jarryd, run to the store, and get J a few things for his birthday.

My sister is nice enough to make the sloppy joes for me on Saturday. I plan on making some hot dogs to go with it, leaving some to grill, then I have some chicken breasts, J's cake and cookie. It's going to be very low key because I am on a budget. A very tight budget.

I better sign off on here and find the time to jump in the shower or at least make myself look presentable for when dad comes home. -sigh- I wish I were working.

{0044}

So, it has come to this. I am short $3 for my tattoo. Well more like a $1.20 but I would really rather not have to pay in pocket change. I've been searching the house for spare change and haven't been able to find much. I know my dad has some change in his room but I'm not going to take his change. That's his. Not mine. I'm sure if I asked him to borrow some he wouldn't mind but I don't feel right asking him for it. I don't have enough pennies to wrap so I can't use those. Well I could if I wanted but who likes counting through pennies? Not I. It is too late to head to the bank and withdrawal $3 so I guess I'm just going to be stuck and not be able to fully pay off my tattoo. :'-( I would just really love to pay it off now that way when I get my appointment scheduled I don't have to worry about scrounging up the money.

I really wish I could sell my books. I have a few around here but no one wants to buy them. Maybe it is time to put up another Craigslist ad for those books I got in my Medical Coding class. Hopefully, I can dig them out without waking the Squish-nator up from his nap. Maybe someone on my sister's sell site could use them. All I know, is that the sooner I get rid of them, the sooner I have the money, and the sooner I can pay off my tattoo.

Ahhhhhhhk! This feels like a gruesome and cruel joke! The universe hates me today. I just know it. :/

So I was actually able to scrounge up the last little bit I needed. My tattoo is officially paid off and now all I have to do is schedule an appointment! Maybe I can get in with her before the end of the month? I am really excited because I now have this HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders and I don't have to worry about the looming expense of paying off this tattoo. I can't wait to add this little beauty to my collection! I can't wait! I'm SO excited!!!!

Well I better pop off here and try to get the tiny one to bed. It's after 1am and he needs to be in bed. Like 5 hours ago.

{0043}

I am giving up on ALL men! I'm going to focus on getting a job and going to school. I am going to focus on providing for myself and for my son and making my life better so that we can live more comfortably. I will let no man come in between me and my goals. It's all about me and J right now. I WILL give us a better life. I WILL graduate from college and get my Associates degree. I WILL become a free lance web designer. I WILL get my Bachelors in web development. I WILL NOT let anyone come in between those goals.

I am starting fresh in every aspect of my life. No man will ever come into my life. I will stay single until the day I die if I have to. J deserves the BEST and I plan on giving that to him. I have no plans to spoil him but he will have ALL of his necessities. I will get us a better family vehicle. I will remodel the house so that it fits our needs. We need new carpet in the other room anyways. I may just rip that out and put down faux tile or hardwood flooring. J will have his own room, decorated any way he wants, and I will have my own room.

Sorry. I got off topic but my main point(s) still stand:

1) I will not let any man come into my life
2) I will get a job
3) I will start, and graduate, from school
4) I will become a freelance web designer
5) I will get my bachelors degree in web development
6) J and I will be able to live comfortably without dad having to pay the bigger bills.

We WILL make it on our own. We WILL get through this and no man will ever ruin that for us.

{0042}

So I decided to go back to school. This time I am going through the University of Phoenix and I'm getting my associates degree in technology with a concentration in web design. After I graduate, I plan on becoming a freelance web designer then going back to get my Bachelors degree in web development. I am beyond excited to get back to school. I can't wait to get started on my new career path! Being a web designer feels so right to me. I like to create things out of yarn so why not create websites? Hopefully, Phoenix calls me back so we can get the ball rolling. I would love to get a desk top so that I can use that for school but I'm too broke to get one. Maybe, I'll get lucky enough to get a decent refund and I can get myself a desk top suitable for school. OMG!!! I'M SO EXCITED!!!!

{0041}

Apparently, I can't say shit on my own Facebook without it being over analyzed, so I have to come and vent to my blog, which nobody reads.

I'm so tired of everyone being so goddamned critical over every move I make. Why can't a vent just be a vent? Why can't a person lash out their emotions? Why can't people just leave me alone and quit making me feel like a completely uneducated moron? I am so tired of having to carefully think about what I say before I post it. Everyone talks about wanting the truth and not being lied to and even when I show proof to back myself up, I still get lashed out at, and treated like some stupid kid that doesn't know what they are talking about. I'm tired of it. I may not be the most educated person I know but dammit, I DID graduate high school and even took some college courses. Granted, I couldn't keep up with being a mom and a student so I had to pick being a mom over being a student. At least for now. But I'm not the uneducated moron everyone treats me. At least when I post something, I KNOW what I am talking about!! It's so funny how other people think that my words make me this god-awful person. It's the INTERNET! Unless someone is using CAPS LOCK, or punctuation marks, you can't tell how or what they are feeling or what they are questioning. You cannot tell TONE OF VOICE just from the way someone types something up or the way it is posted. They are just words on a screen. The emotion(s) YOU feel when reading something are YOURS NOT. THE. WRITERS. So don't be an ASS and ASSume that what you are feeling when you are reading anything, is any indication of how the writer felt when they wrote it.

I am just so tired lately. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I HAVE to find a job soon. If I don't, I do not know what will happen. I've already heard back from Giant Eagle and Sears. I'm still not good enough to get a job with them. At this point I will never be good enough to get a job anywhere. I'm such a fucking failure. I wish dad could see how pained I am by this. It doesn't matter how many applications I fill out or how many times I call. I will never be good enough for any company. Just like how I will never be a good enough mom. Thanks everyone. You sure do know how to ruin a person by treating them like they are uneducated, stupid, not good enough, and just being overly critical and analytical over shit that doesn't need to be analyzed or criticized. I hope you are happy with yourself.

Maybe one day, I will be good enough but I doubt it.