{0028}

Not sure where to begin with this one. It seems like everything has started to fall a part in the last week or so. Jarryd had to have 2 hospital trips and it got me thinking about how much I wanted to be home. Not for my sake, mind you, but for Jarryd's sake. I would feel so much better knowing that I'm closer to his pediatrician and the hospital, if need be, and that I can drive us there without having to wait for someone to get off of work to take me. I worry that if I have a real crisis on my hands that the ambulance wouldn't get here in time and I'm not comfortable with that.

So, it's back home Jarryd and I go. This weekend we are most likely going to the Concord Mills Mall so that I can do Jarryd a Build-A-Bear for his birthday. Then next weekend or the weekend after we are meeting my dad half way at Tamarack so that we can go home. I'm not going to lie, I am going to miss having my mom around. I feel so bad when I think about how Jarryd won't be waiting for her with a smile or how she is going to miss him like crazy. Ok, screw feeling bad, I feel completely and utterly GUILTY about those things. I mean, she is my mom and this is the most time she has ever spent with Jarryd. Other than the weekend she and Mike came in to take us down, they had only seen him twice; when he was born and at Christmas time.

As much as I feel guilty, I can't help but be so excited about going home. There is so much I need/want to do to my room that I can't wait to get started on it. I can't wait to see my dad and I truly can't wait for my dad to see how well Jarryd is walking. I know my dad is most likely beyond excited to have us come home. I just wish that my parents lived in the same state so that this wouldn't be so hard on me. I feel like I'm choosing between my parents and it really sucks. It's very hard for me.

Well I am going to head to bed. I am very tired and I have a semi-busy day ahead of me plus it feels like it is going to be a LONG night so I better sign off.

{0027}

I am feeling so lost and so...disoriented. I don't know how to handle life anymore. Just when it feels like I've got a grip, it's not as tight as I thought it was. Jarryd is cranky and teething and it taking such a toll on me. I am trying to keep my emotions in check and keep myself from bawling my eyes out. It doesn't help that I have been making him CIO in his crib until he goes to sleep. I swore I'd never do it but I can't keep having him attached to me. I love him dearly but I need him to realize that he can go to sleep without me nursing him. I want him to start being just a tad independent. People make look down on me for it but I know that this is right for me. Besides, he can't sleep in his car seat forever.

Now that I have that off my chest I need to get something else off of it. I am beyond in love with Anthony and he tells me he wants to give "us" a real try when I get back to Ohio. While I am super excited about that, I can't help but want to leave back to Ohio now to see if there will truly be an "us". I just don't want to feel hopeful only to be crushed. I have had feelings for him the day we met nearly 2 years ago in October. He's the only guy that has been on my mind and I don't want anyone else. It's stupid, I know, but no one can make me as happy as he does. Not to mention, being lonely really sucks. No, I don't want to jump into anything because I'm lonely but it'll be nice to actually have someone there for me. He's seen me at my worst, has heard my secrets, has never judged me, and has treated me like I deserve. He does so much for me, on so many levels, and that is one of the things I adore most about him. He thinks I'm sexy no matter what and that is something that makes me feel great; even when I hate my body image.

I've decided that when we get back to Ohio, I am completely revamping my bedroom. I plan on packing up the pack-n-play, putting my dresser out in the other room, cleaning off my computer desk (and possibly getting rid of it), clean my bedroom from top to bottom, and either get a new futon mattress OR just get a new bed/mattress all together. I'd like to just get a new futon mattress since that is going to be the cheaper route but the metal futon frame is dangerous for Jarryd. I'll have to see about that when I get back to Ohio and see how much it's going to cost. If I get rid of my computer desk I'll have a little bit more room so maybe I can get a nicer tv stand that will hold my 360. I'd like to get another 360 but a new mattress is more important than a gaming system. Also, if I get rid of my computer desk I'll be able to lay my futon down and have more room to toss and turn.

Anyways, I'm going to end this here and do some research then start on my Unit 2 homework for Health Sciences and start my work for Unit 2 for Composition 1. Busy, busy, busy!