{0027}

I am feeling so lost and so...disoriented. I don't know how to handle life anymore. Just when it feels like I've got a grip, it's not as tight as I thought it was. Jarryd is cranky and teething and it taking such a toll on me. I am trying to keep my emotions in check and keep myself from bawling my eyes out. It doesn't help that I have been making him CIO in his crib until he goes to sleep. I swore I'd never do it but I can't keep having him attached to me. I love him dearly but I need him to realize that he can go to sleep without me nursing him. I want him to start being just a tad independent. People make look down on me for it but I know that this is right for me. Besides, he can't sleep in his car seat forever.

Now that I have that off my chest I need to get something else off of it. I am beyond in love with Anthony and he tells me he wants to give "us" a real try when I get back to Ohio. While I am super excited about that, I can't help but want to leave back to Ohio now to see if there will truly be an "us". I just don't want to feel hopeful only to be crushed. I have had feelings for him the day we met nearly 2 years ago in October. He's the only guy that has been on my mind and I don't want anyone else. It's stupid, I know, but no one can make me as happy as he does. Not to mention, being lonely really sucks. No, I don't want to jump into anything because I'm lonely but it'll be nice to actually have someone there for me. He's seen me at my worst, has heard my secrets, has never judged me, and has treated me like I deserve. He does so much for me, on so many levels, and that is one of the things I adore most about him. He thinks I'm sexy no matter what and that is something that makes me feel great; even when I hate my body image.

I've decided that when we get back to Ohio, I am completely revamping my bedroom. I plan on packing up the pack-n-play, putting my dresser out in the other room, cleaning off my computer desk (and possibly getting rid of it), clean my bedroom from top to bottom, and either get a new futon mattress OR just get a new bed/mattress all together. I'd like to just get a new futon mattress since that is going to be the cheaper route but the metal futon frame is dangerous for Jarryd. I'll have to see about that when I get back to Ohio and see how much it's going to cost. If I get rid of my computer desk I'll have a little bit more room so maybe I can get a nicer tv stand that will hold my 360. I'd like to get another 360 but a new mattress is more important than a gaming system. Also, if I get rid of my computer desk I'll be able to lay my futon down and have more room to toss and turn.

Anyways, I'm going to end this here and do some research then start on my Unit 2 homework for Health Sciences and start my work for Unit 2 for Composition 1. Busy, busy, busy!