{0031}

Life can be so awkward and seemingly overly complicated at times. So Justin, my ex, and I hadn't talked much since I broke up with him. Yes, in the following days of breaking up with him I texted him asking, well begging, him to give me a second chance. That has been at least 3 weeks to a month ago. Well he texted me out of the blue Thursday night asking if I had his old number and the only two numbers I could find was not the number he needed.

So Friday I seriously debated on whether or not to text his e-mail. In the end I did and I asked him if he could come hang out with me. I even tried bribing him with Taco Bell. Well he couldn't come over because he had his youngest son with him but he asked if I could send him a few pictures. So I sent him a few and then he told me to pick him up at 9:30. I, of course, got super excited because 1) he actually talked to me and 2) he wanted to see me even after everything. So I get Jarryd ready to go, I stop and get gas, and I pick Justin up. It was quite awkward at first but he eventually broke the ice by telling me he got a letter from a place he submitted his application and resume. The ride was still kind of quiet and a bit awkward but we made it to my house in one piece. We stood outside and talked a little bit while he smoked a cigarette and he told me that he was really cutting back on smoking and that when he has his son he only smokes 3-4 cigarettes.

Anyways, we go inside and get comfortable. Jarryd was half awake and half asleep so I take him upstairs, turn on cartoons, and head back downstairs and turned on the baby monitor. That's when things got extremely hot and heavy between Justin and I. We ended up having sex, which shocked the hell out of me (and gave me a nice bruise on my neck). Jarryd started fussing shortly after so I go get him and then Justin treats me like he used to and cuddles me. He holds my hand, he kisses me, he plays with Jarryd, we joke around, and things seem super great. Well it comes time for me to take him home and we were outside talking  while Jarryd was in the car. I asked him if we were back together and he said that we weren't but he would have to think about it.

The crazy thing is, is that he hugged me, wiped away my tears, kissed me, and on the ride back to his place he held onto my hand as tightly as he could and when we got to his place he kissed me, hugged me, kissed my hand, and told Jarryd that he would see him later.

 I am just a giant confused mess. I really hope that he is seriously considering us getting back together because if Friday night didn't mean anything to him then I will be completely and utterly shattered. I love him so much, crazy I know, but I can seriously see myself marrying him and having kids with him. He's my soul mate and I don't want to live without him. The last 3-4 weeks have been hell enough as it is not talking to him or seeing him. I want my mate back.

{0030}

Once again so much has happened since my last post. Never got my call back and I broke up with my boyfriend. I regret breaking up with him but he refuses to talk to me or acknowledge my existence. So it's back to days of cleaning, doing dishes, vacuuming, and washing laundry to keep busy. Also, as soon as I get the chance I will be going out and trying to find a job. I want something that I can be comfortable in and make a decent wage.

School has been going pretty well. Getting at least a B in both classes. Yay Me. Woke up around 1am to find that the window behind our couch is completely cracked and pieces fell out. Been trying to keep the tiny one away from it which has been fairly easy but it's so cold.

Jarryd has been sick for the last week and a half but he's getting better. Plus he's getting an attitude which makes me want to lock myself in a dark room and never come out.

Anyways, he's trying to maul me with an ink pen right now so I better go.

Our window. Lovely isn't it?

{0029}

Where do I begin? So many things have happened since my last post such as Jarryd getting teeth. I have a boyfriend. I also got a job but I haven't received a call to go back in and fill out the paperwork so I am hoping I get that call soon.

I still plan on going job hunting in hopes to find something whether it be seasonal, temporary, part-time, full-time, or permanent. Hopefully permanent and full-time will find its way to me. I will try Country Club Retirement again and other stores in the mall. If I can at least get something for the season then I can put it on future applications and hopefully that will help me get a better job around here. I am desperate to get a job so that I can get Jarryd some presents, start saving for a better car, buy presents for my dad and Justin (as long as we are still together at that time), and have a little extra spending money for myself. I really want to get that job at CCR since I will work with people I know and it will help me with gaining experience for my field of study.

I have been crocheting up a storm lately. I've made hats, wrist warmers, baskets (out the arse), a scarf, and I still have a brown slouch hat in the works. I found a different wrist pattern that I would love to try, I just have to find it again.

This isn't as long as I had hoped it would be but there are just so many things going on right now that I am still trying to sort out. Hopefully I will remember to update this at least once a week instead of every couple of months.

{0028}

Not sure where to begin with this one. It seems like everything has started to fall a part in the last week or so. Jarryd had to have 2 hospital trips and it got me thinking about how much I wanted to be home. Not for my sake, mind you, but for Jarryd's sake. I would feel so much better knowing that I'm closer to his pediatrician and the hospital, if need be, and that I can drive us there without having to wait for someone to get off of work to take me. I worry that if I have a real crisis on my hands that the ambulance wouldn't get here in time and I'm not comfortable with that.

So, it's back home Jarryd and I go. This weekend we are most likely going to the Concord Mills Mall so that I can do Jarryd a Build-A-Bear for his birthday. Then next weekend or the weekend after we are meeting my dad half way at Tamarack so that we can go home. I'm not going to lie, I am going to miss having my mom around. I feel so bad when I think about how Jarryd won't be waiting for her with a smile or how she is going to miss him like crazy. Ok, screw feeling bad, I feel completely and utterly GUILTY about those things. I mean, she is my mom and this is the most time she has ever spent with Jarryd. Other than the weekend she and Mike came in to take us down, they had only seen him twice; when he was born and at Christmas time.

As much as I feel guilty, I can't help but be so excited about going home. There is so much I need/want to do to my room that I can't wait to get started on it. I can't wait to see my dad and I truly can't wait for my dad to see how well Jarryd is walking. I know my dad is most likely beyond excited to have us come home. I just wish that my parents lived in the same state so that this wouldn't be so hard on me. I feel like I'm choosing between my parents and it really sucks. It's very hard for me.

Well I am going to head to bed. I am very tired and I have a semi-busy day ahead of me plus it feels like it is going to be a LONG night so I better sign off.

{0027}

I am feeling so lost and so...disoriented. I don't know how to handle life anymore. Just when it feels like I've got a grip, it's not as tight as I thought it was. Jarryd is cranky and teething and it taking such a toll on me. I am trying to keep my emotions in check and keep myself from bawling my eyes out. It doesn't help that I have been making him CIO in his crib until he goes to sleep. I swore I'd never do it but I can't keep having him attached to me. I love him dearly but I need him to realize that he can go to sleep without me nursing him. I want him to start being just a tad independent. People make look down on me for it but I know that this is right for me. Besides, he can't sleep in his car seat forever.

Now that I have that off my chest I need to get something else off of it. I am beyond in love with Anthony and he tells me he wants to give "us" a real try when I get back to Ohio. While I am super excited about that, I can't help but want to leave back to Ohio now to see if there will truly be an "us". I just don't want to feel hopeful only to be crushed. I have had feelings for him the day we met nearly 2 years ago in October. He's the only guy that has been on my mind and I don't want anyone else. It's stupid, I know, but no one can make me as happy as he does. Not to mention, being lonely really sucks. No, I don't want to jump into anything because I'm lonely but it'll be nice to actually have someone there for me. He's seen me at my worst, has heard my secrets, has never judged me, and has treated me like I deserve. He does so much for me, on so many levels, and that is one of the things I adore most about him. He thinks I'm sexy no matter what and that is something that makes me feel great; even when I hate my body image.

I've decided that when we get back to Ohio, I am completely revamping my bedroom. I plan on packing up the pack-n-play, putting my dresser out in the other room, cleaning off my computer desk (and possibly getting rid of it), clean my bedroom from top to bottom, and either get a new futon mattress OR just get a new bed/mattress all together. I'd like to just get a new futon mattress since that is going to be the cheaper route but the metal futon frame is dangerous for Jarryd. I'll have to see about that when I get back to Ohio and see how much it's going to cost. If I get rid of my computer desk I'll have a little bit more room so maybe I can get a nicer tv stand that will hold my 360. I'd like to get another 360 but a new mattress is more important than a gaming system. Also, if I get rid of my computer desk I'll be able to lay my futon down and have more room to toss and turn.

Anyways, I'm going to end this here and do some research then start on my Unit 2 homework for Health Sciences and start my work for Unit 2 for Composition 1. Busy, busy, busy!

{0026}

So I'm really beginning to dislike a lot of people. Quite being so dang stingy and want stuff for nothing. I'm sorry I don't feel comfortable selling a $40 bounce toy for only $5. I need to get at least $10 out of it and that's $10 less than what I was asking when I wasn't putting it on an auction site. Please get your head out of your arses and just deal with it.

On another note I am so ready so a night out to myself. I am really wishing I was working this way I could have income of my own to rely on instead of dads'. I hate feeling so helpless. ;'-(

{0025}

Now that I have more than 10 minutes to type I'm hoping that this entry will be a bit longer than the last.

I don't know where to begin, honestly. My thoughts are quite jumbled so please bare with me if this sounds out of order or is messy.

My aunt's dog, female is a pincher/poodle and the male is yorkie/shitzu, had 2 puppies a couple weeks ago. My aunt's SIL put money down on the brown, female puppy and my SIL was trying to get the black, male puppy. For nearly 3 weeks my SIL kept telling my aunt, "I'll get you the money, I'll get you the money". Well yesterday my aunt texted me saying that if I still wanted the male he was mine. So I went to the bank and got out the money I held back for the puppy, just in case my SIL wouldn't follow through (as usual), and put a deposit down on him. I promised her the rest of the money when I get a check in the mail this upcoming week. He won't be ready until July but if things go as planned I'll be in NC until August so he'll be more than ready when I come home. The pups are a little over 2 weeks old and already they are little porkers and about 6 inches long. I can't imagine what they are going to look like when they are ready.

My next topic is my trip to North Carolina. I so want to go but I don't know if I can get the details worked out so I can go. Mom and Mike are planning on coming up Memorial Day weekend BUT that is BEFORE my dentist appointment on the 31st. So I have to call and see if I can get an earlier appointment, plus I'll have to reschedule his WIC appointment, and call to cancel my appointment on Tuesday (and never reschedule it). Although, should I happen to get a job, I will gladly put off going to N.C. so that I could save up some extra money for Jarryd and the puppy.

Back on the subject of the pup, I am trying to keep myself from going off on people for making me feel like I'm a total idiot. Yes, I know puppies are hard work. Yes, I know they are expensive (food, shots, toys, grooming, etc). My aunt said she wanted to train the pups on pee pads, so until I get him all of his shots, he will be using pee pads. I plan on using my school refund money to get him his shots and buy him what he needs.

Yes, Jarryd doesn't sleep too well some nights but that is caused by the fact that he is TEETHING. Last time I checked teething was painful and tends to keep babies up at night. Yes, there are times where I do complain that he doesn't sleep long enough at night but honestly, who hasn't? I'm a first time mom, I'm going to have a lot of complaints because I'm learning as I go. Having a baby was extremely life-changing and I'm still trying to adjust to that. Plus, I'm truly hoping that by the time I can get the puppy, Jarryd will be sleeping through the night and in a crib. I'm hoping that my commission from Chrystle's party and Alisha's party will give me enough to get him a crib.

I think that is all that I have for now. Those were my main points that I needed to get out before I went off on someone. Sorry if it is a garbled mess but I do feel better now.

{0024}

Sorry, once again, for ignoring you blog. Things have been...hectic, to say the least. So much has happened since my last entry, such as Jarryd getting the chicken pox, teething, then a trip to an ER with a temp of 102 and ears super red. Poor guy has to have amoxicillin which he ends up dribbling out of his mouth 9 times out of 10. I wish I could make him feel better but I can't.

I had a tooth filled today and it kind of sucked really. I go back at the end of next month to get the tooth I need pulled. I'm really looking forward to having it out so I can stop trying to shove my tongue into the cavity.

I am really hoping to get my Velata kit this upcoming week. I am so excited to sell it and I truly believe that it will take off like a rocket.

"Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr."

{0023}

Well if I would've waited a few more days it would've been a year since my last post. I'm sorry I keep ignoring you, Blog. You are awesome and I am sorry.

In other news, someone that I care(d) for very deeply has hurt me in a way I never thought possible. I care(d) about him so much and then to be completely ignored then to be drop kicked like nothing ever happened hurts my heart. This has truly taught me to be very wary of any guy that comes into my life and tries to tell me that I'm everything he wants when I'm clearly not.

I feel a bit betrayed that he decided to ignore me and not answer my texts instead of doing the decent thing and telling me that he didn't want me.

Sorry for the whinging, Blog. I just needed to vent in a safe place.