{0017}

I'M SORRY THAT I LOVE YOU. I'LL NEVER BOTHER YOU AGAIN SEEING AS HOW THAT IS WHAT YOU ACT LIKE YOU WANT. I'M SORRY WE NEVER WORKED OUT OR EVEN TRIED TO WORK THINGS OUT.

YOU'LL ALWAYS BE MY FIRST LOVE AND YOU'LL ALWAYS HAVE MY HEART NO MATTER WHAT.

ENJOY YOUR LIFE AND MAYBE JUST MAYBE ONE DAY I WON'T BE IMPORTANT ANYMORE. OR HOPEFULLY YOU'LL JUST FORGET ALL ABOUT ME LIKE I WANT YOU TO.

I LOVE YOU MATTHEW MICHAEL THOMPSON I REALLY TRULY DO I JUST WISH YOU WOULD TAKE MY FEELINGS INTO CONSIDERATION ONCE IN A WHILE.

JUST REMEMBER YOU FOUND ME ON MYSPACE AND YOU CONTACTED ME. NOT THE OTHER WAY. PLEASE BEFORE YOU LEAVE JUST TALK TO ME.

I DON'T WANT WHAT WE HAVE TO DISSIPATE. I LOVE YOU.

{0016}

Trenton or Matt?

Matt or Trenton?

I like them both and want to be with them both but until I know how each of them feel towards me and about me I can't be comfortable around Trenton without wanting to rip my own heart out and it hurts so much when Matt and I don't talk or spend time together.

My heart can't settle and every time I am near them I get flustered and I just want to rape them both, lol. I know I love Matt and want to be with him...I know I really, really, really, like LIKE Trenton and I would like to see where things could go with him. The only downside to Trenton is he doesn't want a relationship but yet he sometimes drops hints or will say things that make it sound like he does want one.

For example we were talking about about how guys normally only see me as a friend or as a fuckable friend. Then he said that not all guys are like that.

And I said that those who aren't are either taken, gay, or focused on other things like college or whatnot which I cna understand with going back to college myself and Trenton comes back with "Am I taken or gay?"

And then I told him no at least I didn't think he was and then he made a joke saying that he was both and with some guy named Palo and I just laughed.

When he said that I started to wonder if he was offering or what but I never got the chance to ask him if that is what he meant.

BUT!

Matt and I had this conversation on July 18th 2009:

I had mentioned to him that I wish he were here with me and he asked me why and I told him so that I could spend time with someone other than my family and so I wouldn't have to get myself off.

He then told me "Too bad I'm not a part of it"
I sent back "A part of what? You can easily be included in both."
He said "both"
I said something along the lines of "Yeah too bad you aren't a part of my family"
Him: "Lol Who Knows"
Me: "lol yeah"
Him: "Wonder what it be like"
Me: "Yeah me too"
Him: "Well how do you think it would be"
Me: "Well nothing is ever perfect but I think it would be like when we dated. We had a really good relationship and it was nice that I could be me and you didn't care no matter how weird or odd it was. I don't know if we were perfect for each other but we definitely complimented each other well"
Him: "True"
Me: "So how do you think it would be?"
Him: "I would take care of you"
Me: "Awww why you gotta go and make me cry like that?"
Him: "Sorry. First we gotta see what happens no promises yet."


So with that in mind I still can't help but wonder with Matt not too mention everything we've been through and all the conversations we've had.

I just wish my heart wasn't so torn and that it didn't hurt anymore. I'm tired of crying, tired of being depressed, and tired of not being able to speak my mind like everyone else I know.

I better go. Apparently tomorrow is X-mas so yeah I'm hoping to stay up all night and sleep til noon or later so I don't have to deal with those little fuckers.

{0015}

Ok so on Monday night Matt and I met up. We drove around for a little bit trying to find a quiet, private place where no cops would come. We talked while he drove mainly just trying to catch up on the last 4 years. Then we came to a stop sign and he sat there and then he pulled my head towards his and kissed me so passionately. So after a little bit of talking we decided to go back to my house.

We went up to my room and it didn't take long at all before we were naked, making out, and having sex. BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE. So after that we got back into his car so he could take me back to mine and after we got there we sat and talked for a little bit along with making out. I didn't want to leave...I hated leaving even back when we dated. I just never wanted to leave his side. I feel so much better around him and being with him.

Though he did end up telling me that he couldn't believe that he broke up with me to go out with the person he went out with way back when. I couldn't help but smile at that because to me it says that he still liked me and probably didn't want to but being a typical horny teenager and I hadn't gave it up to him, he probably decided to try with someone who was a slut. Long story short I broke them up.

Any who on Monday night he said that after he takes he brother back to Dellroy that he wasn't doing anything the rest of the day so I may actually get him to meet my mom(again) and meet my step-dad for the first time. I just want to spend a little bit more time with him again before he heads back to Kentucky and then eventually deployed. I want to know if he thinks that if there could ever be anything between us again. I sure hope so because the way I see it is we are very passionate towards each other, we have never fought or anything like that when we dated or even now, we get along really well, and I'm comfortable with him.

I can be myself with him and he doesn't care that I'm different or weird. He seems to see it as a turn on...which is perfect for me. Not too mention with me he has met his match when it comes to sex because I want it just as much as he does if not more.

Please let Matt come over today. I wanna be with him again. I hope we can get back together again. I would love it if we could eventually start our own family if it ever got that serious. I think that he and I should sit down and talk about it and get each other's feelings on it.

I better go now. I should go and do something productive like finish some projects I started awhile ago.

{0014}

I really need to stop forgetting about this place.

Matt and I didn't talk for almost 3 weeks and then just as I was drifting off to sleep at 6:30 this morning Matt texted me telling me how sorry he was but he had to pay off Verizon before his phone could get turned back on. I'm just glad that we are communicating again AND he'll be in THIS SUNDAY! We are so hanging out and having sex sometime while he is here and I'll definitely be making him watch Love is Evol and Stephen Lynch Live at the El Rey. I so can't wait to see him! 4 years is far too long to not see someone...especially him.

I need to get my letter typed and mailed out tomorrow and make sure that I add into the letter that Dr. Morris and McKenzie's letters will be mailed out separately due to the fact that I don't see them constantly, especially Dr. Morris, and that they'll need more time to write their letters as they do have other patients to see and would need the extra time to compose them.

Good things are happening this weekend/next week and I so can't wait to be Matt's slave and be fucked by him.

{0013}

Well the time frame hasn't been officially decided but Matt and I have talked about me going down to Kentucky to spend some time with him. All I need is a way down because I am too afraid my car is going to break down on me on the way down.

Oh gods I hope that I get down to see him before the end of this year if not I may go crazy. From the way he talks he is pretty much living by himself or else he probably would have never of mentioned me going down and staying with him. I am hoping that this trip down will bring us closer together and that maybe I will get my second chance with him and we could try and start a new life together. I hope that, should he get transferred to another country if he gets his wish and get on a striker, he would ask me to go with him...it is very highly doubtful but one can dream, yes?

I am going to end this now I am going to go make myself a peanut butter sandwich to go with the rest of my chili.

{0012}

Things are a lot better between Matt and myself which makes me so happy. I would give just about anything to have just one night of pure passion with him. Dinner, Movies, and Sex. Lots and Lots of Sex. I want him so bad and in more than for the sex I want to be with him and every day that we aren't I feel like I am slowly being ripped apart. I am so in love with him and I love him so much that it hurts. I just wish I could get inside of his head and his heart to see if he felt the same way about me.

I could spend all day every day talking about him. Though surprisingly he said he would go on a date with me the next time he is in town though I have no clue when that may be. I never thought I would hear from him again but I kept him in the back of my mind hoping that where ever he may be and what ever he may be doing that he was doing better than me. When he found me and I found out how miserable he was with his marriage my heart went out to him because he deserves better.

He thinks I should hate him for breaking my heart and how he broke the news to me. But I can't. I can't hate him for something that happened 5 years ago especially when I have loved him through it all. I just want to cry because I know that I will probably never have him again but it's so nice to dream about what could happen or you know.

I better go now. I need to hop in the shower and figure out what suitcase I am taking to my mom's house.

{0011}

Well things have been different since Matt came and went. We don't talk like we used to and it's different and I can tell it's different. I'm thinking about just leaving him alone for the time being and seeing what happens; maybe if I don't text him he might miss me and text me first. I don't know anymore I just hate feeling like such a burden to him and everyone else.

Not really much else to update on really. I got a hair cut and both of my nipples pierced so those are the only really new new things going on. Going to try and work on the Striped Beanie Cap and see what the end result is and then I may make one in orange and brown for Matt for Christmas I haven't truly decided yet.

Alright loves, I am going to go and get some laundry washed and dried and then grab my yarn and start working on my hat.

**Note to self: Pick up 2 more size "J" crochet hooks. I had 3 and now I'm down to 1 again. >_<

{0010}

Toby and I have broken up and have been for about a month. Matt came and went and I missed him and I have been trying to get a hold of him through text but he hasn't responded yet. I hope that he doesn't think I am mad at him because I'm not it sucked not being able to see him but I'm definitely not mad at him. Things happen...things we can't control and if he had to go back to Ky for work then so be it.

I just want him to talk to me and let me know that things are ok and that he wants to see me still. I wish that the 3 day pass was still an open offer...when he gets back to me I'm going to have to ask him that. My brother is going to be buying my psp off of me at $25 a week until I tell him to stop so I'm thinking about $125-$150 and then if I can take the truck and head down to Ky and see Matt. I checked bus schedules and I couldn't find one that would take me from Dover/New Phila to Fort Knox so if I get this 3 day pass then things should work out nicely and I'll have the money for gas and food...you know as long as gas prices don't get any higher before things get the chance to work themselves out.

I really want to see him and get the chance to be with him and then if things go from there great if not then we can still be friends. I'm hoping that when things work out I can leave early Friday at like noon or one and be there by 6 or 7 and stay until Sunday at noon or one. I really need to talk to him and get things figured out and see if he would like it if I drove down to see him. I figure if I leave early enough in the day then I won't really have to stop to sleep though I will need to rest, go to the bathroom, eat and drink. I really hope that things can work themselves out for both of our sake's.

Alright I better go. I still need a shower and wash my clothes so that I'll have something to wear for the rest of the week. Thursday I have a counseling appointment and I'll have to ask then what time my appointment with Dr. Morris on the 11th of August is at because I lost my paper. Ugh. Stupid me.

{0009}

These past few months have been a rollercoaster of emotion for me. My ex-boyfriend from 5 years ago contacted me back in April and we've been talking ever since. I thought I no longer had feelings for him and besides I am engaged to Toby but that didn't stop my feelings from 5 years ago to resurface. He is married but getting divorced because his wife cheats on him left, right and sideways and he also has two kids....but he told me that he'd like to think he could get back together with me should the opportunity ever come up. I love Toby to death but i can't help but love Matt too and want to be with him; he broke up with me but now he regrets it and I regret not trying to get him back. I do at times wish we were still together and wonder what life would've been like if we would've stayed together longer than what we did.

I do love them both and I can't help but love Matt a little more than Toby. Matt was my first everything Kiss, Relationship, Sexual Experience, Heart Break, EVERYTHING. I still have feelings for him and I want him to be in my life as much as possible and I'd love to be with him again but I have Toby and he is my soul mate.

I don't know how I can be in love with 2 people at the exact same time and want to be with them both. I am so confused and my heart is confused though Matt is coming in July or August so maybe then my heart can decided. I don't know what to do until he comes in and we can spend some time together.

I'm gonna finish my last few drinks of my Smirnoff and then I am going to head to bed. I hope everyone has a great weekend!

{0008}

Things have been kind of blah lately. I stopped going to school, bad I know, but I just got this urge and strong feeling of "Don't Go, Don't Go!" So I stopped going; it doesn't feel right going to school right now. I'd rather be working than at school so now that I have all of this free time I'm hoping that I can get a job and bring some money into the house. I hope.

I better go now; it's lunch time and I'm getting quite hungry. I'll try to update later about my status and all that extra fun junk.

{0007}

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

Ok I know it's over a month late but I've been busy trying to find a job, going to school, and trying to crochet stuff to sell. School has been ok but I've already missed 2 M/W in one week because I was sick and I had some other family issues going on, and still are presently going on.

There are a few hats I want to make, plus I want to make more purses and sell them so that I can make a little bit more money to bring into the house.

My birthday is in 6 days and I have a feeling it's going to be a horrible one. Call it a hunch but I think my world is about to get rocked even more and not in a good way.

I better go I can feel my heart-breaking as I type this.