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Trenton or Matt?

Matt or Trenton?

I like them both and want to be with them both but until I know how each of them feel towards me and about me I can't be comfortable around Trenton without wanting to rip my own heart out and it hurts so much when Matt and I don't talk or spend time together.

My heart can't settle and every time I am near them I get flustered and I just want to rape them both, lol. I know I love Matt and want to be with him...I know I really, really, really, like LIKE Trenton and I would like to see where things could go with him. The only downside to Trenton is he doesn't want a relationship but yet he sometimes drops hints or will say things that make it sound like he does want one.

For example we were talking about about how guys normally only see me as a friend or as a fuckable friend. Then he said that not all guys are like that.

And I said that those who aren't are either taken, gay, or focused on other things like college or whatnot which I cna understand with going back to college myself and Trenton comes back with "Am I taken or gay?"

And then I told him no at least I didn't think he was and then he made a joke saying that he was both and with some guy named Palo and I just laughed.

When he said that I started to wonder if he was offering or what but I never got the chance to ask him if that is what he meant.

BUT!

Matt and I had this conversation on July 18th 2009:

I had mentioned to him that I wish he were here with me and he asked me why and I told him so that I could spend time with someone other than my family and so I wouldn't have to get myself off.

He then told me "Too bad I'm not a part of it"
I sent back "A part of what? You can easily be included in both."
He said "both"
I said something along the lines of "Yeah too bad you aren't a part of my family"
Him: "Lol Who Knows"
Me: "lol yeah"
Him: "Wonder what it be like"
Me: "Yeah me too"
Him: "Well how do you think it would be"
Me: "Well nothing is ever perfect but I think it would be like when we dated. We had a really good relationship and it was nice that I could be me and you didn't care no matter how weird or odd it was. I don't know if we were perfect for each other but we definitely complimented each other well"
Him: "True"
Me: "So how do you think it would be?"
Him: "I would take care of you"
Me: "Awww why you gotta go and make me cry like that?"
Him: "Sorry. First we gotta see what happens no promises yet."


So with that in mind I still can't help but wonder with Matt not too mention everything we've been through and all the conversations we've had.

I just wish my heart wasn't so torn and that it didn't hurt anymore. I'm tired of crying, tired of being depressed, and tired of not being able to speak my mind like everyone else I know.

I better go. Apparently tomorrow is X-mas so yeah I'm hoping to stay up all night and sleep til noon or later so I don't have to deal with those little fuckers.