{0009}

These past few months have been a rollercoaster of emotion for me. My ex-boyfriend from 5 years ago contacted me back in April and we've been talking ever since. I thought I no longer had feelings for him and besides I am engaged to Toby but that didn't stop my feelings from 5 years ago to resurface. He is married but getting divorced because his wife cheats on him left, right and sideways and he also has two kids....but he told me that he'd like to think he could get back together with me should the opportunity ever come up. I love Toby to death but i can't help but love Matt too and want to be with him; he broke up with me but now he regrets it and I regret not trying to get him back. I do at times wish we were still together and wonder what life would've been like if we would've stayed together longer than what we did.

I do love them both and I can't help but love Matt a little more than Toby. Matt was my first everything Kiss, Relationship, Sexual Experience, Heart Break, EVERYTHING. I still have feelings for him and I want him to be in my life as much as possible and I'd love to be with him again but I have Toby and he is my soul mate.

I don't know how I can be in love with 2 people at the exact same time and want to be with them both. I am so confused and my heart is confused though Matt is coming in July or August so maybe then my heart can decided. I don't know what to do until he comes in and we can spend some time together.

I'm gonna finish my last few drinks of my Smirnoff and then I am going to head to bed. I hope everyone has a great weekend!