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I,

I know that we have had this conversation before and it is basically beating a dead horse. I love you and I am in love with you. I know you know this but god this is killing me. I am so angry, bitter, hateful, and feeling very spiteful. It took me a while to realize why I am feeling this way. You know that for the past 3 year now (roughly 2-2.5 when we started talking) that I have had a crush on you. It took me so long to get the courage to message you that day. I felt like I finally had a chance with you. Talking to you was more than I could ever dream about and it is so very easy to do. You literally sparked something in my soul.

Don’t get me wrong. I love J but my love for him isn’t the same as my love for you. I truly believe that you are my second half; my soul mate. I have tried so hard to be happy for you but I can’t; it kills me too much. More and more of me dies a little every day. I feel like I can’t even talk to you anymore. I feel like I have truly lost the one person that means the most to me in my life. You know that I would do anything and everything for you. I feel like I have proved that I am willing to do anything for you.

I have bought you things that pertain to your interests, bought you wine, flowers, and varying items. I’m not reminding you to make you feel bad but what “friend” buys their friend that kind of stuff? I was trying to impress you; hopefully showing you that I am worthy of your time and proving to you that I am willing to do whatever it takes to see you smile.

Love is not about the secretion of chemicals and hormones. Love is not logical or rational. That is why it doesn’t make sense to you that I love you and am in love with you.  Love is love. It isn’t about chemical secretions or hormones; it is about how you feel around a person. The few times I’ve actually been around you, have been the literal best times of my life. Every time you hugged me or came up to talk to me when we were working together it meant so much to me. You made me feel like I was important to you; more than just a friend.

But…on the other hand if I had known that it was going to end up like this; I would not have messaged you on that dating website. Again, don’t get me wrong, I am happy with J and the fact that I am pregnant but it isn’t the same and it isn’t what I wanted. You are what I want. You are what I deserve. I would literally give up everything I own to be with you. I could have absolutely nothing to my name but if I had you; I would have every single thing I need. I would be happy.

It killed me to know that everything I tried to do (cook you dinner, wine and dine you, hang out with you, do everything/anything I could to make you happy) meant nothing. They were failed attempts, or so it seems, since you never took me up on those offers. Even the stuff that you promised me (“owing” me hang out time, wanting to cook homemade chicken alfredo) just different things that made me feel like I actually had a chance with you.

But apparently, none of that matters, only because I am not on your intellectual wavelength. Pretty much making me feel like I am the performing monkey and you the ring master. Problem being, I fell in love and you just didn’t care about my feelings because, according to you, I couldn’t possibly have them. All I ever wanted was a chance; a chance to prove to you that I am absolutely worthy of making you happy. 

I am willing to cook for you, take you wherever you want to go, be your shoulder to cry on, be the one you call when you need someone to talk to, give you massages, bring you lunch, take care of you when you’re sick, everything. Everything that a girlfriend is supposed to do for her boyfriend, no questions asked. You deserve so much better. Too bad you will never get the chance to figure it out since I’m not on your intellectual wave length.

Even after all this, I still want you as the godfather to this baby but talking to you kills me on so many different levels and that’s why I don’t talk to you as much as I used to. I still consider you to be my best friend but I hate knowing that you aren’t with me and that you wouldn’t throw caution to the wind to give me a chance. I could have blown your mind with everything I am willing to do for you. Even after all this, I am still willing to give up everything I own to have you. Possessions mean nothing when the person you love wants nothing to do with you.

Maybe one day I will get the courage to send this to you. Maybe one day you finally realize how honest and sincere I am about wanting to be with you and it isn’t some crazy, psycho, bullshit. I would literally die for you, I’d take a bullet for you, I would use my last breath to tell you that I love you. A part of me dies every single day. I truly wish I could let you see into my heart/mind/soul so that you could see firsthand what this is doing to me. This is more than just pregnancy hormones. I keep so much to myself. I have no one to talk to about this. I know that everything in this document is true and I am speaking from the core of who I am. 

I am someone who is truly, madly, deeply in love with the one guy she considers to be her best friend. I am giving you the rawest parts of me with this; no one has ever stirred this in me. I truly did not think it were possible…..until you. You awakened something in me and it has grabbed me; it won’t let go either. This is the emptiest I have ever felt in my entire life. You mean everything to me. I love you, I, always have; always will.

I love you, I. Maybe one day you will see that but for now I will keep to myself and act as if this isn’t killing me on a daily basis.